Test results are in

All the waiting and testing, worrying, crying and the fianl results are in. Mom has stage 4 liver cancer. In 4 weeks new tumors have popped up, it has also spread to her lungs. She is on narcotic pain killers which makes her speech slurred and she cannot remember much. Dad cant stop crying. He told me he was in denial until he saw the CT scan and what he saw looked pretty bad. My mom. She cant suffer, I dont want her to suffer. I dont want her to go.

My worst fear

 July 29, 2012 My mom has cancer, my mom has cancer, my mom has cancer. Thats what went through my mind after I read moms email. I read the part where she said she had cancer over and over, but I didnt understand it. I will read it later, when my mind clears. I am here but not here. Its like sitting in a car with the wondows rolled up. My family is moving around, living normal life. I hear their voices, like they are muffled, but I dont. I have to really try to understand what they are saying. I cant think, my brian is foggy. Its like I am just disconnected from the world.

Aug 1, 2012 More reading, this is making me so mad! From what I am finding on every single site is that liver cancer=just a matter of time. I dont want my mom to be in pain, I dont want my dad to suffer. Mom picks out his clothes for work, will he even stay around or die of a broken heart? I havent got to spend time with her, I see her 1 or 2 times a year for a week. Nowhere near enough time! It is always rushed trying to get things done before we have to go back home. We shop a lot, I do remember that. She always finds the size or clothes that I like, soft and stretchy. I dont know what she is thinking, how she is feeling, what is going through her mind. I cant call her yet, it means facing the situation and I dont want to! I dont want to feel this, I dont want my mom to go! I love her. But I need to help my family, I am the oldest and I feel it is my duty to keep things going, help dad and my sisters.Dad will be there to help mom, she will be well cared for. I want to be there too, I am left out in the cold, having to rely on people to tell me whats going on. Im lost, I cant think, I cant concentrate. Im on auto pilot. I love you mom.