July 29, 2012 My mom has cancer, my mom has cancer, my mom has cancer. Thats what went through my mind after I read moms email. I read the part where she said she had cancer over and over, but I didnt understand it. I will read it later, when my mind clears. I am here but not here. Its like sitting in a car with the wondows rolled up. My family is moving around, living normal life. I hear their voices, like they are muffled, but I dont. I have to really try to understand what they are saying. I cant think, my brian is foggy. Its like I am just disconnected from the world.
Aug 1, 2012 More reading, this is making me so mad! From what I am finding on every single site is that liver cancer=just a matter of time. I dont want my mom to be in pain, I dont want my dad to suffer. Mom picks out his clothes for work, will he even stay around or die of a broken heart? I havent got to spend time with her, I see her 1 or 2 times a year for a week. Nowhere near enough time! It is always rushed trying to get things done before we have to go back home. We shop a lot, I do remember that. She always finds the size or clothes that I like, soft and stretchy. I dont know what she is thinking, how she is feeling, what is going through her mind. I cant call her yet, it means facing the situation and I dont want to! I dont want to feel this, I dont want my mom to go! I love her. But I need to help my family, I am the oldest and I feel it is my duty to keep things going, help dad and my sisters.Dad will be there to help mom, she will be well cared for. I want to be there too, I am left out in the cold, having to rely on people to tell me whats going on. Im lost, I cant think, I cant concentrate. Im on auto pilot. I love you mom.
